Client Guide: Working with providers

Professional S/M can be difficult for newcomers to navigate. Hence, I’ve created this little guide for clients.

How can I tell if a provider is legitimate? 

Many clients worry about getting scammed by fake providers, so it's good to know what to look out for. Signs of legitimacy may include a regular social media presence, multiple active advertisements and profiles at least several weeks old, having a website, rates that aren’t too good to be true, S/M studio affiliations or a history of collaborations with other providers. Of course, some providers (especially new ones) may be offering a legitimate service without meeting these criteria, so use your judgement. 

How do I write to a provider?

Respectfully, as you would any other professional service provider. Write a polite message, introduce yourself in a few words, answer any questions requested, be clear and direct about what kind of service you are looking for. Make sure you have researched the provider and read through their website or FAQs thoroughly to see if you align before messaging. Effort in writing a respectful message goes a long way, as does demonstrating the willingness to learn about a provider’s offering before making a request.

Depending on the provider, you may be asked to pay a deposit (or as is common in full-service work, you may be asked provide further screening information or references to other providers you've seen).

Why do providers ask for deposits?

Deposits involve paying a percentage of the session cost (often 20-50% depending on the provider) before meeting, as confirmation.

Unfortunately, there are many very strange and problematic people out there who just get off on writing back and forth with providers, with absolutely no intention of actually meeting them. Some even get off on sending providers to hotels that they have no intention of ever showing up to, or of making appointments and cancelling them at the last minute. While providers are usually pretty quick at picking up on this behavior, the frequency of these requests causes us to be generally on-guard.

Deposits are one way of ensuring that a booking is serious, and in my experience most providers will require deposits once they have the ability to do so.

Payment platform discrimination

In countries where sex work is legal, providers are nonetheless discriminated against by almost all credit-card processing companies. Many providers have had their accounts seized by services like Paypal, with all cash inside. For this reason, deposits are often accepted by various alternative means of payment. Just because you have not heard of the payment processor before, does not necessarily mean it is a scam. If you have concerns about legitimacy, do some research on the provider. 

Most providers have a preferred method of official contact, which is usually by email, website booking form, or phone. If you are in contact with someone asking for deposits via a social media account, check that this is the provider’s main official account (as sometimes scammers create fake social media profiles to imitate known providers). 

Common misconceptions about sex work

Unfortunately there is a common stereotype of providers which implies that we have no boundaries, that we have sold them and that we cannot say “no” to any kind of sex. While many people may turn to sex work due to difficult financial situations, the idea that we cannot choose our clients and have no boundaries is simply untrue. Providers can still have strong boundaries, preferences, and a clear service offering of what we are willing and not willing to do.

Personally, I am not interested in meeting anyone who I do not feel respected by, or offering any activities that I cannot find enjoyable to perform. 

Some providers may partake in more advanced S/M activities only with clients whom they have gotten to know and trust over time. Relationships can evolve, but if a provider says a certain activity is simply not in their service offering, you should accept that this will most likely be the case in the future as well.

BDSM Safety and Active Bottoming

In Kinbaku classes, we often talk about “active bottoming”, which implies responsibility on the bottom’s part to communicate and learn about their own body and the risks involved in being tied. 

BDSM involves risks, and at some point we all make mistakes and push ourselves or our partners too far. What is important is to learn from these mistakes to play better and more responsibly in the future. Partners who cannot align on the level of risk they are willing to take and the intensity of play they want often end their relationship for this reason. Tops who are not capable of stepping out of the role to reflect, consider feedback, and communicate directly with their partners are probably not safe to play with, and likewise, bottoms who cannot not share necessary information about their bodies or their well-being during a scene will cause problems for everyone involved.

BDSM relationships need time to develop, and more extreme play isn’t necessarily better. While some clients seek to incorporate as much as possible into a scene in order to maximize their time, in my view the best scenes tend to focus strongly on a few activities and allow space for the intensity to grow. 

I receive many emails from potential clients who tell me that they want me to do whatever I want to them. This is their fantasy, but I’m quite sure they wouldn’t actually want this kind of play if it were real. Usually they have an idea in mind of exactly how they want me to "do whatever I want to them" and this very well may not align with what I actually think, given that they've shared nothing of this fantasy with me. I appreciate submissives who have the willingness to try to communicate what they want to explore and what they don’t. 

What is appropriate to ask a provider?

Many providers find questions about their families and private partners to be intrusive. It may be best to avoid such topics, and allow the provider the choice to share as much or as little as they feel comfortable with. Too many questions of a personal nature, as well as too much private over-sharing, can kill the mood. It’s best not to treat your provider as a therapist. 

Connecting over common interests is generally a better bet. I’m happy to discuss questions about kink, BDSM, and sex education, as I see it as part of my work to share my knowledge in these areas, and enjoy learning about other people’s kinks and S/M experiences as well. 

Where to session?

Hotels and studios provide more neutral spaces for meeting, hence the choice of some providers to work exclusively in these venues. For daytime hotel sessions, I recommend dayuse.com for affordable daytime bookings (you can usually find availability in the hours between 10am and 4pm). 

Professional S/M studios such as Studio LUX in Berlin offer themed rooms and playspaces fully equipped with a variety of S/M implements and hard points perfect for bondage scenes.